Life has a way of leaving you wondering “Is This It?

In the midst of one of my usual 7-14 day breakdowns, I was driving into work this morning wondering, “Is this really it”?  It sounds so depressing when I say it outloud but it’s the truth. “Is this really it”? Is this all I was put here to do?

I don’t know about y’all but the younger me pictured a fabulous- ass life , I did. I pictured being this ‘ghetto-socialite’ with a fine husband who worked a great job and over contributed at 11% to his 401k. I pictured being proposed to with a modest 2 -carat emerald cut halo diamond ring at the tender age of 25, with no rush on marriage. In my head, this almost- perfect man would go on to buy me the perfect house, in the best neighborhood… I’d give him 3 kids and we’d have a dog.

Unfortunately for me, I was running around the projects in my early 20’s chasing drop outs who couldn’t distinguish between they’re and their.

Looking back,  I constantly wonder “girl, where were you meeting this Mr. Wonderful”? … as the saying goes we attract what we exude.

Fast forward to present day, I am 27 just a few months shy of 28, I have a 19 month old and I am somebodies’… (dare I say it) ‘baby momma’. Luckily I didn’t attract what I exuded because my sons father is very smart, much smarter than me. Also, no shade to the baby mommas out there but I said that sarcastically, I just wanted to put emphasis on the fact I am not a married woman and yes I have a child. — I ain’t no damn baby momma tho.

Moving on.

I wake up everyday usually later than normal rushing to get out the house and make it work 5 minutes late… it’s like no matter how hard I try, how many pep talks I give myself; I just can’t seem to get out the damn house on time. Throw in a couple of  temper tantrums courtesy of Carter and by the time I get to work, it’s the famous “if anyone was looking for me, I was in the bathroom”. Pet peeve #71 why the f*** am I never on time? Why do I always feel so rushed to do the same bullshit I did yesterday?

Some days I feel like quitting my job, moving to Cost Rica and having Carter and his dad sell their handmade goods in the beaches. — I’m not even kidding anything’s gotta be better than this, at least we’d have good weather.

Here I am, rushing to work my semi-stressful ok paying job, to get off work and rush to pick up my son from daycare to get home and prepare for our nightly routine all to do it again the next day, and the day after that and the day after that… don’t get me wrong my nights are occasionally broken up by impromptu date nights or the regular “Netflix and Chill” with my ‘baby daddy’ (who I hope reads this and cringes and realizes that term should change).But the routine has me dare I say it… bored.

I don’t want my honesty to be mistaken for being ungrateful because I am grateful, not everyone has a job, not everyone has a car, not everyone has a home to go to after a long day, but since I’ve become a mother I’ve been bored.

Is that normal?

Some nights I wonder, “What the hell am I going to do with my life because there’s no way in hell I was put on this earth to work a 9-5 for the next 40 years”. I complain to my mom and she chalks it up to being a millennial. Since I’ve become a mom, it seems life choices have weighed on me heavy… I’ve learned that life comes at you FAST , and it’s too short to be spent unhappy. I feel so pressured to live up to these imaginary expectations. In my head my 19 month old wants this awesome mom who does it all, when reality he loves me no matter what. Hell, I want to be this awesome mom who does it all … is that asking for too much?

People always say, “You can’t have it all” and the older I get I just wonder if whoever came up with that saying just gave up trying. Who say’s you can’t have it all, and why?

Eventually I think the boredom almost always turns into resentment, we stop doing the things that once made us feel alive maybe because of the husband or the kids, or we just got older and realized there was some unwritten rule that we should stop doing the things we once loved when we were younger?

I don’t know about y’all but I’m not feeling that, a happy me is the best me and I got a lot of years left on this Earth (god willing)  to be wasting them being anything but happy. Call me passionate or call me crazy but the older we get shouldn’t mean losing our zest for life…. how many other people have felt bored and what have you guys done to curb it?

Because at this point I’m about to sign up for Zumba, I heard, “it’s the ‘exciting mom thing to do’

Fu**** real exciting huh?

 

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