Gained a baby lost my sex life.

I’d be lying if I said becoming a mother hasn’t taken over in all areas of my life. —at work if something comes up, my response, “well y’all just gotta figure it out”  because guess what— I’m a mom first. It’s girls night and something comes up, “Sorry ladies I know we’ve been planning this forever, but I gotta cancel”—- I’m a mom first. I find myself reiterating the fact being a mom is number one when it comes to many areas of my life, and in most areas I’m finding that people won’t always be happy with you prioritizing being a mother first. *kanye shrug*

Not my problem.

Becoming a mom has simultaneously thrown me into like bionic woman mode, which I’m finding works with everyone but your partner. I wake up with a to-do list, I gotta do this and this and this and this today, I go to bed with a list reminding myself I gotta do this and this and this tomorrow and guess who usually doesn’t make the cut, one of the most important people… my man. It’s no secret that relationships change after having a baby , most times you hear about them changing for the worst.

My mom has warned me far before I even thought about having children that men show their true colors after having a baby— a warning I am now convinced is some bitter black women’s old wives tale. (For the record I’m not calling my mom a bitter black woman)

Do men get the same warning about women changing ? —- because maybe they should.

I am not the same woman I was before becoming a mother. My partner fell in love with the carefree, whimsical, happy, adventurous, sex in random places down for anything Ashley. Since becoming a mother I am 1/6, no doubt I have changed hell, I realized I have changed so I can only imagine what it’s like for him.

Babies can strengthen the connection or they can make you lose it, suddenly it’s all about the baby and we sometimes forget about the life we had with our partners before. Writing this for me is therapeutic because I have forgot about what life was like before Carter, I forgot about how important making his dad happy was for me and I’m now seeing the toll it’s taken on us.

TMI coming right up but, there was a time I’d go home on my lunch break just to squeeze in a quickie. It was important to keep it fun, and fresh… now I get home and sometimes I’d rather choose sleep over intimacy.—- shame on me. Shame on me for making it seem like being a mom gives me an excuse when it comes to nourishing my relationship and making sure I’m listening to my man and his needs. (Now don’t go reading this honey and think you can tie me up tonight cuz it’s not happening, I have a bad back now).

After many nights of him chastising me for what I have not been doing we finally began to communicate! He began to ask what could he do to help ease the burden, what could he do to help me after my long day so I could relax. The importance of communication amongst partners cannot be stressed enough, it’s so easy for us as mothers to come home after a long day get into our evening routine, all the while we are burnt the hell out and not once will we ask for help. It’s not uncommon for men as partners to see their spouse in their routine , and not speak up out of fear they may be imposing ( if y’all didn’t know women run the show, happy wife happy life) most men stay quiet when it comes to running the house.

And night after night you and your partner go to bed with so many underlying feelings that could be fixed with a conversation and a little compassion. —- it’s hard, tell me about it.

I read, Understanding your partner’s love language 

a “guide” more people should read, and I realized I’m not a mind reader and neither is he… I may not be affectionate but I know he is. There is so much give and take that’s goes into relationships, and they fail when people don’t understand that. My give, is bouncing on more D when Carter goes to bed (might have to visit a sex shop or two to brush up on the old skills), and vocalizing just how appreciated my spouse is and how I recognize all that he does although I don’t always say it. My take is being more open to help, and suggestions…understanding there is no such thing as a bionic woman and if there is I can imagine she is probably single.

Without question I am still a work in progress, a mom just trying to figure it out, but one thing is for certain my goal is to build with my partner and not break in the process … we have broken MANY times before and *whew chilay*

I hope this helps any other moms struggling to find a balance after such a huge adjustment, as for those who have been blessed enough to have it figured out  what are some things that have helped keep your relationship strong even after becoming parents?

 

“Open Letter” to dad that most moms can relate to.

Dear Da-Da,

On a scale from 1-10 how relaxed are you? Because me, I’m like a -7.

Since we’ve had our baby, I have been in overdrive! I have watched you day in and day out work just like me, interact with our child/children just like me and it still doesn’t feel like enough at times.

Truth be told, I am envious of you. Sometimes my envy actually translates to dislike… I honestly dislike you at times.— damn it felt good saying that.

I wake up in the morning after more often than not a late night with the kids and trying to squeeze a little “mommy time” in to do it all over, the next day and the day after that.

Bullshit.

You wake up each morning looking quite refreshed, after I’ve went to bed with one eye open listening for a cry and thinking about all the shit I have to do tomorrow … can you relate? I have work brain and mommy brain on damn near everyday, planning and prioritizing for us… yes you read it right us. Hell, “Head of household” should honestly come with an extra bonus just for us working moms.

Meanwhile you go to work, and I’m almost sure daddy mode goes right out the damn window… are you thinking about what you’re going to cook for dinner when you get home ? Or how much of a fight bedtime is going to be… or better yet did you have your alarm going off at work today reminding you it’s time to pump? Better yet.. when’s the last time you did laundry for the house? Because believe me there’s a lot of it!

For goodness sakes, I’ve turned into a mommy for everyone. I cook, clean and still bend over when you want me to (most times let me tell you I’d prefer to sleep). And what am I getting in return?

Ahhh the joys of being a mom!

The time you spend with the kids isn’t like the time I spend… my time is draining and when I signed up for this partnership I thought it would be just that 50/50. You pick up when I fall short, and it just seems like as soon as I became momma, I simultaneously turned into Superwoman too.

I’m convinced woman take so long to get ready because it’s the only time we get to ourselves, sitting on the toilet long after I’ve already finished has turned into a little peace of heaven for me.—- sad

Once in a while I’d love to hear honey, take a day off … like literally a full day! No you, no kids… just me ! I probably wouldn’t know what to do but just hearing you say go take some you time would mean THE WORLD.

I expected more, and saying this out loud may sound ungrateful. I’m appreciative of all that you do, I just wish I didn’t have to do so much at times… becoming resentful of you was never a part of the plan.

Loving my partner however was.

Signed,

your burnt out superwoman.

“Just because you forgive them, doesn’t mean they have to.”

Happy Wine- Wednesday.

Tonight’s wine: A Sutter Home, White Merlot 

 

White Merlot Food Pairings

With enticing raspberry aromas and sweet cherry flavors, Sutter Home White Merlot makes the perfect pairing for spicy chicken tacos, smoked cheeses, sweet and sour pork, lamb gyros, spicy steak and veggie kebabs, fig and goat cheese pizza, shrimp and pepper alfredo, mandarin chicken salad, and yogurt parfaits.

 

I feel like life has been so busy for a lot of people the past few weeks including myself, and when I feel like I’m getting too busy for my own good I try to take a moment to reflect, whether it’s hiding from Carter (which I’m kind of doing right now because yes he’s in bed, no he’s not commmpllleettllyyy sleep **oops)  or getting a pedicure complete with a mini foot massage that never goes long enough, but you guys get it. It’s necessary to take time for ourselves.

In the midst of my attempt to give up stress for lent (as described above)  I’ve been trying to figure out how I can stop “running myself so thin”. Trying to dedicate time to this and time to that without either clashing.

Shit can get stressful.

I’ve also thought about how sometimes we can not only spread ourselves thin with things but also with people. Often times when we are under stress, stress can lead to venting. Venting to the wrong people can eventually lead you to spreading yourself to thin.

We’ve all been there , venting to your girl or family member abour your occasionally f**k boy- Ish husband or boyfriend, venting to one co-worker about the next… or even venting to different friends about a problem you may have been having with another friend.

Most times a listening ear will get tired of listening.

We have all been there on both sides, fed up hearing about a friends problems because they aren’t doing anything about the problem themselves . At first we’re  compassionate, we side with them… hell we usually love them so of course we have their back . Then it’s, “How dare they do that, or Better yet  how dare they continue to do that”? Finally, Eventually all that shit turns into, “why would they put up with that”? It sucks because that can take a toll on our relationships, it can turn people we love into people we question if we still like…

Once you’ve  been on both sides you see it, And there’s growth in it. Understanding just because you forgive them doesn’t mean they have to as well. A lot of times we as people shoot ourselves in the foot, that spur of the moment venting can be therapeutic but enough venting often times can be detrimental.

we all go through it, and the wisdom usually comes with age, then sometimes we realize when it’s too late. Eventually comes the time to mend. -that’s the most stressful part. Whether you and your reformed f*** boy finally got it together, or an office meeting was finally called and all is well at the trap, or better yet you finally forgave that friend that was referred to as “unforgivable”.

It’s hard to repay that unpaid therapist. Maintaining severed relationships can become a job. A job that will wear you down worse than any 9-5 and sometimes you have to realize you can only do so much. Part of my plan to “give up” stress for lent is making amends, and I don’t necessarily mean with people, I mean with situations.

We we don’t always want to believe it but sometimes  Broken ties with family and friends can’t  always be restored, so why kill yourself trying? I’ve always been a firm believer in if two people want to work something out they will. I’ve had countless fallings outs with friends and family , and my real friends and family always make sure we get back no matter how long it takes… we make sure.

Timon and Pumbaa has it right in 94’

Hakuna Matata!…

a.k.a stop stressing.

I’m learning  to let people and relationships be whether I played a part  in the failure or not, make amends and move on, but also remember to make better choices in the future

like next time,

Paying someone to vent… they won’t hold it against you I promise.

nights guys

Xoxo

 

F*** it I’ll keep my own last name.

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I read this today, and I might receive a lot of backlash for it…

But i’m inclined to agree

Stating a black women choosing her independence over all else will continuously make her the enemy seems a bit harsh but I know where whoever wrote this was going with it.

In Essence, it gets deeper than this tho. To me what it boils down to is lack of communication and lack of leadership amongst men. I’m not sure who came up with this but I’m curious to know a little about them.

I’d love to ask this man (and I’m assuming it was a man who wrote it) What do you do for work? Would you consider yourself the breadwinner of your household? Are you married? Do you take initiative? Can your wife or girlfriend depend on you?

Those are some important questions

A man who is not a “leader” couldn’t possibly be convinced that a woman should choose “preserving a family unit” with lack of direction over her own independence when she isn’t being led correctly.

Hell no.

Funny thing is a lot of “men” nowadays want to lead and have the “let’s do it my way” attitude meanwhile they don’t even know their left from their right, and dare I say it, but a lot of men are stupid.

Actually no, that was offensive I’m going to rephrase a lot of men lack direction, so I’m most instances it’s pretty much impossible for them to expect a woman to abandon all that she KNOWS and risk it on a CHANCE , but in true men nature (meaning being foolish) a lot of times that makes sense.

Now on the flip side I’d like to play devils advocate, reading that statement I was inclined to agree prior to me really putting thought into it. One of the main reasons my child’s father and I disagreed pretty much for the past 5 years was because of my unwillingness to compromise, I was too headstrong… what I always said needed to go. The same independent quality I’ve praised myself over the years for I’ve began to hate at the same time. I’ve grown a thick skin, not by choice but because of what I’ve been through, what dating… what life has put me through and ironically enough I became chastised for it. “They harden you and then wonder why you’re not soft”.

A man wrote this statement assuming all women should make a choice because it seems like the right one to make but did the question arise  is it really the best choice?  Maybe if more black women went with the “I need to do what’s best for my family” rather than “I need to do what’s best for me” thought process … maybe just maybe we’d have more successful marriages and stronger black men who have been given the “provider” role and realized… now’s my chance.

“do or die”

such a sink or swim analogy… one that I’ve always asked myself is it worth the risk? And every time … the answer has been no. I can imagine for most women the answer is no and the saga continues . We are assumed to be so headstrong, so reluctant to give up this independence when really we are just scared.

Often Times failure becomes such a norm for us that we wonder why would this be any different … lack of communication, and to be frank total inconsideration.

Show me.

show me why I should abandon this “I gotta do what’s best for me and mine” attitude.

I feel as a whole black women have a lot of work to do, it was never embedded in us to be fragile, to be soft. You look at our mothers and their mothers and I bet you’ll hear a story about sacrifice and my favorite “doing what they had to do”.

Coming from that what makes you believe we’d ever see you as Prince Charming?

My daddy wasn’t and neither was my grandfather.

Nowadays we expect so much but work for so little, and it’s too bad.

So men, next time you wonder why she’s so reluctant to give up her “independence” realize she’s all she’s ever had.

 

Imagine if there was a “Be a black woman for a day” giveaway —- would anyone sign up?

I love being a black woman, I do. I say that, not because it was instilled in me that I have to unless I’d be a reverse racist and  I mean duh, nobody wants to be a reverse racist but because through it all —- I am still standing.

If I asked 100 white women, hell throw some  Asian women in there too, if I asked them would you want to be a black woman for a day?  How many do you think would say yes? I can imagine a few would just to see what it was like. Now, imagine if we asked them to switch for a week, majority would probably decline.

No lie being a black woman is HARD AS SHIT.

I think now that I’m approaching my late twenties, I realize it even more. Years ago, I wasn’t subjected to as many scenarios  that leave me just wondering how much easier it must be for women of other races.

For example, a couple weeks ago I went back to work after the weekend, and I went with a “weave”. Naturally my hair is short right now; but due  to my many hairstyles no one really ever knows what’s going under whatever style I have at the moment. All I can do is laugh thinking about it because it happens so often but the references that are made when it comes to black women and their hairstyles—- shocking. It’s shocking because I’ve heard it all from, “wow”, your hair grew overnight, to “is that a wig or one of those weaves” oh and this is my favorite , “how’s it attached”? On that particular day I got the “is that a weave or wig”?  Having acquired a lot of patience to answer such ignorant questions I respond with the truth, “it’s extensions”, and of course, in fake ass corporate America I got the I love it, it looks so good!

Over time, I’ve noticed when white women choose to attach hair to their head in an attempt to make it longer it’s referred to as “extensions” but as soon as the conversation occurs with a woman of color suddenly “ weave” is added into their vocabulary—- too much TV I assume.

For any women reading who are of a race other than African American, if you’re guilty of the following, please stop and be sure to let your friends know as well.

When we start work we always sign the handbook recognizing sexual harassment,  and hostile work environments etc, and we agree to not partake in any of it… but am I the only one that thinks there should be a special carve out when it comes to women of color?  I say all this as a black girl addicted to weave … *correction “extensions” but I can only imagine what natural women deal with.

—- such a shame, and imagine if we reacted how we wanted, or said what was really on our minds… well there goes that “angry black woman” label.  Such a lose lose.

 

Sometimes when I get questioned about my hair I want to really pour out my life story. I want to tell these bitches how I wake up at least 3 times a night because my headscarf falls off and it’s against black girl code to sleep without it. I want to tell them how I constantly have to pass up some tempting ass shower sex until wash day, or the night before my hair appointment because I can’t get my hair wet — fucking tragic I know. I want to tell them how I’ve decided between buying bundles or paying a bill just so I could look the part for the same people that ask me about the hair I damn near went broke for. I want to talk about how fellatio has often times been awkward due to the “please don’t touch my hair rule”, of course they wouldn’t understand because their Billy is at home blowing backs out as he grabs hold of his Caucasian wife’s luscious  locs. Forgive me if I sound hostile—- I am. As I said being a black woman is hard as shit.

That’s  only at work.

Socially, name another group of women in  more competition than that of black women, and if you do I’m calling bullshit because they don’t exist. Imagine being in a competition you don’t even want to be apart of. You go to the mall- competition, you go grocery shopping- competition, you’re out at a club … whew chilay the competition.  You’re judged constantly by other black women and let you be pretty with a few things going for yourself, forget about it —You’ve immediately been labeled “that bitch” and not in a good way.  Saddest part is no matter how much you don’t want to be involved, how much you stay low key, and just keep to yourself as a black woman if you possess certain qualities you’re automatically competition. —- Happy Black History Month.

Lastly the only other area left.

Relationships.

I’d say being a black woman who loves a black man is by far the hardest job of them all. Women in general love black men, there are tons of interracial relationships that are very successful and each and every time I will say those black men who date the white and Asian women aren’t e the same black men who date black women, and they never will be. Two broken people trying to love one another while usually hurting eachother in the process. The same man who has the same battles at work, the same battles socially now tries to love an equally angry woman. —- recipe for failure. I read a quote that said, “hurt people, hurt people and whole people heal people,”.  Point me in the direction of a “whole” minority….

yet another battle .

These 3 subjects don’t even skim the surface of how hard it is being a black woman.

Amazingly we are still standing, broken and bruised we still stand optimistic about the future in such a pessimistic ass world and with that being said it ain’t for the weak.

So to be fair, I can understand why many would decline of the offer to be a black woman for any amount of time…

they don’t call it “black girl magic” for nothing.

It’s tax season… *looks up the cost of a tiger*

If I see one more “where are my taxes?” Post I am going to SCREAM!

What I’ve gathered so far is people seem to be pretty PRESSED for their taxes, and rightfully so, who doesn’t want extra money? I totally get it, I do.

What I don’t get is how the same people who have 2,3,4 even 5 dependents to claim are the most pressed, add in the fact a lot of people get assistance and it leaves me even more confused ? What the fuck are y’all doing with your money ?  I’m not directly asking that question, what you choose to do with your money is none of my business.

While we are speaking about money.

Over the past few months I’ve had conversations about generational poverty… we don’t usually hear about that topic because we always hear about generational wealth, or “old money.” Much like the rest of the world, I myself definitely don’t come from money but that doesn’t mean I want to be scraping until tax time either. You never hear about people with money talking about money, you just don’t. People without money on the other hand or the first ones to talk about it, the first ones to flash it, and the first ones to complain when the well runs dry.

In the midst of this damn government shut down everyone was so worried about tax time. What I’ve also come to realize is most claiming the EIC tax credit are not only still waiting for their returns but have come into the most problems with actually getting their money back.

You ask What is the Earned Income Tax Credit?
The Earned Income Tax Credit, EITC or EIC, is a benefit for working people with low to moderate income. To qualify, you must meet certain requirements and file a tax return, even if you do not owe any tax or are not required to file. EITC reduces the amount of tax you owe and may give you a refund.
Qualifications for the Earned income tax credit:
  • Have earned income; and
  • Have been a U.S. citizen or resident alien for the entire tax year; and
  • Have a valid Social Security number (not an ITIN) for yourself, your spouse (if filing jointly), and any qualifying children on your return; and
  • Not have investment income exceeding $3,500; and
  • Not be filing a Form 2555 or 2555-EZ; and
  • File a return with the Single, Married Filing Jointly, Head of Household, or Qualifying Widower filing status, even if you’re not required to file a return.

In addition, both your earned income and Adjusted Gross Income (AGI) may not exceed:

  • $15,270 if you’re not claiming a qualifying child ($20,950 if filing jointly);
  • $40,320 if you’re claiming 1 qualifying child ($46,010 if filing jointly);
  • $45,802 if you’re claiming 2 qualifying children ($51,492 if filing jointly);
  • $49,194 if you’re claiming 3+ qualifying children ($54,884 if filing jointly).
With just a little research everyone knows your business because “Shantal” has 2 kids, and everyday since January 28th she’s been online talking about how long her taxes have been taking and how much she needs her money.
Assumptions from the asses, including myself —- damn Shantal doesn’t make more than $45,802, she’s not even making any money .
As the saying goes, “the flashiest one in the room is usually the most broke”
I have had friends with 4 kids get $16,000 back during tax time and by the middle of the year be complaining about how broke they are, meanwhile everyone has a new wardrobe, an expensive one at that and mom even collected a few more MCM bags, and for what ?
—-so the cycle continues.
Whats frustrating to me is the same dependents your claiming will grow up assuming tax time is the “big payout” when this thought process should be so far removed from all of our minds. Receiving taxes should be extra for everyone, it should never be what we depend on.
Seeing so so many people count their eggs before they hatched has taught me what I already knew, and that is to always make sure I’m  good no matter what .
We have to do better guys, because just as fast as the government takes it they will be slow to give it back. Dependency has kept a lot of people trapped and the smarter we are especially as it pertains to spending habits the better of we will be and the better off our children will be in the future.
A few years ago  I was happy to not owe taxes, my mindset has been different from a lot of people and add in the fact last year was my first year even claiming a dependent, I can absolutely see why people with kids are happy around tax time. I only had one child and still owed last year but I was happy to be getting a check regardless, so I can only imagine the mindset of those with a few kids to claim.
Remind yourself its a trap.
Instead,

Here are some really smart things you can do with your tax refund that can really put that money to work in the long run.
  • 1) Get Out of Debt. …
  • 2) Replenish Your Emergency Fund. …
  • 3) Further Your Education. …
  • 4) Boost Your Retirement Savings. …
  • 5) Invest in Wonderful Companies. …
  • Invest In Yourself

 

Over the past 3 years I’ve committed myself to haveing something, I turned 25 and decided I don’t want to be fucking broke forever. Period
I am no where close to where I’d like to be financially but being conscious is the first step.
Most of us claim to be so “ woke” but walking around so damn broke—- such a shame.
so take this post with a grain of salt also take it as me celebrating National Wine drinking Day (also known as my birthday) and going on a mini tipsy rant.
either way Jesus still loves you all with or without your tax money so that’s all that matters.
Goodnight