Gained a baby lost my sex life.

I’d be lying if I said becoming a mother hasn’t taken over in all areas of my life. —at work if something comes up, my response, “well y’all just gotta figure it out”  because guess what— I’m a mom first. It’s girls night and something comes up, “Sorry ladies I know we’ve been planning this forever, but I gotta cancel”—- I’m a mom first. I find myself reiterating the fact being a mom is number one when it comes to many areas of my life, and in most areas I’m finding that people won’t always be happy with you prioritizing being a mother first. *kanye shrug*

Not my problem.

Becoming a mom has simultaneously thrown me into like bionic woman mode, which I’m finding works with everyone but your partner. I wake up with a to-do list, I gotta do this and this and this and this today, I go to bed with a list reminding myself I gotta do this and this and this tomorrow and guess who usually doesn’t make the cut, one of the most important people… my man. It’s no secret that relationships change after having a baby , most times you hear about them changing for the worst.

My mom has warned me far before I even thought about having children that men show their true colors after having a baby— a warning I am now convinced is some bitter black women’s old wives tale. (For the record I’m not calling my mom a bitter black woman)

Do men get the same warning about women changing ? —- because maybe they should.

I am not the same woman I was before becoming a mother. My partner fell in love with the carefree, whimsical, happy, adventurous, sex in random places down for anything Ashley. Since becoming a mother I am 1/6, no doubt I have changed hell, I realized I have changed so I can only imagine what it’s like for him.

Babies can strengthen the connection or they can make you lose it, suddenly it’s all about the baby and we sometimes forget about the life we had with our partners before. Writing this for me is therapeutic because I have forgot about what life was like before Carter, I forgot about how important making his dad happy was for me and I’m now seeing the toll it’s taken on us.

TMI coming right up but, there was a time I’d go home on my lunch break just to squeeze in a quickie. It was important to keep it fun, and fresh… now I get home and sometimes I’d rather choose sleep over intimacy.—- shame on me. Shame on me for making it seem like being a mom gives me an excuse when it comes to nourishing my relationship and making sure I’m listening to my man and his needs. (Now don’t go reading this honey and think you can tie me up tonight cuz it’s not happening, I have a bad back now).

After many nights of him chastising me for what I have not been doing we finally began to communicate! He began to ask what could he do to help ease the burden, what could he do to help me after my long day so I could relax. The importance of communication amongst partners cannot be stressed enough, it’s so easy for us as mothers to come home after a long day get into our evening routine, all the while we are burnt the hell out and not once will we ask for help. It’s not uncommon for men as partners to see their spouse in their routine , and not speak up out of fear they may be imposing ( if y’all didn’t know women run the show, happy wife happy life) most men stay quiet when it comes to running the house.

And night after night you and your partner go to bed with so many underlying feelings that could be fixed with a conversation and a little compassion. —- it’s hard, tell me about it.

I read, Understanding your partner’s love language 

a “guide” more people should read, and I realized I’m not a mind reader and neither is he… I may not be affectionate but I know he is. There is so much give and take that’s goes into relationships, and they fail when people don’t understand that. My give, is bouncing on more D when Carter goes to bed (might have to visit a sex shop or two to brush up on the old skills), and vocalizing just how appreciated my spouse is and how I recognize all that he does although I don’t always say it. My take is being more open to help, and suggestions…understanding there is no such thing as a bionic woman and if there is I can imagine she is probably single.

Without question I am still a work in progress, a mom just trying to figure it out, but one thing is for certain my goal is to build with my partner and not break in the process … we have broken MANY times before and *whew chilay*

I hope this helps any other moms struggling to find a balance after such a huge adjustment, as for those who have been blessed enough to have it figured out  what are some things that have helped keep your relationship strong even after becoming parents?

 

Interacting versus Occupying our kids.

This past weekend I took my 20 month old son to see Sesame Street Live, we were accompanied by one of my good friends, her son who is close in age to Carter and dada came with us too! What I was shocked to see was the disparity concerning attendees of color versus those who are not, and being brutally honest I’m pretty sure you could count the amount of black people there. — excuse the brutally honest statement, and excuse the one to come … but what is it with people of color not emerging their children in activities and things to do?

I had this conversation long ago with a friend way before I was a parent and at the time she was.  I constantly suggested things to enroll her daughter into, dance class, cooking classes, gymnastics, swimming etc… I’d constantly see fun things for kids her daughter’s age to do and grow envious that I didn’t have a child of my own to engage with and introduce them to new, fun things. She never signed her up, and eventually I stopped asking. I guess she just didn’t have the time.

Finally being a mom, especially a mom who works hard to make ends meet etc… I can see why some parents may not have the time or the funds to engage their kids in activities, but…(and here goes the blunt me again) why not make the time and find a way?

Our children are an investment.

literally sponges, just waiting to absorb, so remind me again why we are choosing as parents to not engage? … oh that’s right, it’s easier to throw an iPad in front of the kids and have them sitting there watching it hours on end as long as they aren’t bothering you—- I forgot. Now please don’t go labeling me as some judge mental mom because sometimes the iPad is a very necessary distraction/ break for mom and dad. Carter at 20 months and has taken a liking to YouTube so I totally get it, but what I don’t get is making a habit of it. What happened to kicking it old skool’ ? Coloring books… puzzles, games? I lived for those as a kid and that wasn’t too long ago, I’ll remind you I’m only 27. It’s sad we are raising a generation dependent on technology, it’s sad we as adults have become a generation dependent on technology and it’s translating to our kids. When Carter was 6 months, I signed him up for swimming (such an eager new mom I was). The class at the Y cost $180, his dad and I were the only parents of color… when asked by friends how much the class costs because they too were interested, we were meant with turned up faces and the shocking, “you paid that much for a damn swimming class”? And Just as confused as them I tried to remind myself how much iPads were going for at the time.

So you guys would rather spend ridiculous amounts of iPads etc, but not spend money signing the kids up for an activity? — oh.

Second reminder our children are an investment.

My goal as a black mother raising a black son is to keep my child engaged. Sparking his interests is not only something I’m looking forward to doing but something I feel is necessary while raising the next generation of children. The more we do, and the less familiar faces I see I try to stay hopeful that my son’s peers’ parents will someday get on the same page. As a black girl being raised in the suburbs I know what it feels like to be exposed to things with not a familiar face in sight, I can count of my hands and feet how many times I was the only black girl in the class.

You think We wanted to drop $50 on each ticket to Elmo, HELL NO, but my son loves Elmo , We knew Elmo was coming for months so guess what we prepared to bring Carter to Elmo…

(I’ll go broke anytime if it means seeing him smile like this)

89C71C0C-2DB7-48D2-A9EF-454EBA3FA342.jpegMoral of the story the same amount of time parents spend on Facebook, Snapchat and instagram could be spent looking up a class or an upcoming activity in the area to engage their children in.

Moms feel free to drop some ways you keep the kids busy and past activities you guys’ have participated in… were they worth it?

The older my son gets, the more I want him to do… call me an overzealous wannabe soccer mom, but I can’t wait to be obnoxiously cheering in the stands  at all the games with my wine in my cup (that everyone will think is coffee) Am I the only one?

“Open Letter” to dad that most moms can relate to.

Dear Da-Da,

On a scale from 1-10 how relaxed are you? Because me, I’m like a -7.

Since we’ve had our baby, I have been in overdrive! I have watched you day in and day out work just like me, interact with our child/children just like me and it still doesn’t feel like enough at times.

Truth be told, I am envious of you. Sometimes my envy actually translates to dislike… I honestly dislike you at times.— damn it felt good saying that.

I wake up in the morning after more often than not a late night with the kids and trying to squeeze a little “mommy time” in to do it all over, the next day and the day after that.

Bullshit.

You wake up each morning looking quite refreshed, after I’ve went to bed with one eye open listening for a cry and thinking about all the shit I have to do tomorrow … can you relate? I have work brain and mommy brain on damn near everyday, planning and prioritizing for us… yes you read it right us. Hell, “Head of household” should honestly come with an extra bonus just for us working moms.

Meanwhile you go to work, and I’m almost sure daddy mode goes right out the damn window… are you thinking about what you’re going to cook for dinner when you get home ? Or how much of a fight bedtime is going to be… or better yet did you have your alarm going off at work today reminding you it’s time to pump? Better yet.. when’s the last time you did laundry for the house? Because believe me there’s a lot of it!

For goodness sakes, I’ve turned into a mommy for everyone. I cook, clean and still bend over when you want me to (most times let me tell you I’d prefer to sleep). And what am I getting in return?

Ahhh the joys of being a mom!

The time you spend with the kids isn’t like the time I spend… my time is draining and when I signed up for this partnership I thought it would be just that 50/50. You pick up when I fall short, and it just seems like as soon as I became momma, I simultaneously turned into Superwoman too.

I’m convinced woman take so long to get ready because it’s the only time we get to ourselves, sitting on the toilet long after I’ve already finished has turned into a little peace of heaven for me.—- sad

Once in a while I’d love to hear honey, take a day off … like literally a full day! No you, no kids… just me ! I probably wouldn’t know what to do but just hearing you say go take some you time would mean THE WORLD.

I expected more, and saying this out loud may sound ungrateful. I’m appreciative of all that you do, I just wish I didn’t have to do so much at times… becoming resentful of you was never a part of the plan.

Loving my partner however was.

Signed,

your burnt out superwoman.

Aspirations of Being a Stay at Home Mom

With the weather finally breaking, I’m starting to feel flooded with working mom guilt all over. Working 2 jobs has always made me feel like I just don’t spend enough time with my son. Unfortunately God didn’t feel it was necessary to bless me with a rich husband, he probably figured, ‘no way… she would be out here wildin’ And rightfully so Lord…

-because I would.

Last weekend I packed my mom and Carter up and headed to the zoo and I can’t help but think about all the fun things I want to do with him this Spring/Summer, when I’m not working.

part of me constantly feels the need to push myself into entrepreneurship, so I can have more time with my almost 2 year old and future babies, but then I think about the trials and tribulations that could come with that and feel maybe it’s a risk I’m not willing to take.

Moms? Have you guys experienced working mom guilt, and how have you been able to cope?

For any stay at home moms on the other side of the things I’m anxious to hear how that’s been for you as well!

Sincerely,

A busy mom ready for early retirement.

 

Theres falling in love, and then there’s falling in love with a black man.

In wake of the passing of Ermias Joseph Asghedom better known as “Nipsey Hussle”, it has us all questioning our place in the world. “How did something like this happen to such a good man”? Has constantly been questioned by many since the rapper was gunned down outside his own damn store on March 31, at 3:25 pm

How brazen can someone be? But shit like this happens to black men all the time … so what’s new ?

Over the past 4 days we’ve heard from the conspiracy theorist, the streets, and the police… all of whom have their own takes on why such a senseless act of violence happened, and still nothing changes the fact it happened. Whether the  government sent this informant, Eric Holder to kill Hussle because of fear that he may cause an uprising in the community through education or whether an altercation ensued over a “snitch” being outside his store… he died.

The death of a black man in modern day America is more than likely at the hands of either the fellow black man, or sadly enough the police. I’d actually be lying by saying “modern-day” because black men have been dying like this since forever.

Ask me if I’m shocked about what happened no, I’m not … ask me if I’m shocked about who it happened to, no… I’m not. Look at Malcom X, Dr. Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Sam Cooke the list goes on. Reputable black men envoking change killed, details of their muderes allegedly “known” but still leaving many with speculation.

Homocide is the #1 cause of death in black men ages 15-34. An article was published in the Washington Post, “America’s big issue is ‘Black Africans’ killing eachother

Read here to be disgusted

Donald Trump went on to tweet in November of 2015:

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First off look at the picture used…how sad secondly these numbers are so incorrect, which comes as no surprise with the deranged President’s report of fake news. One fact we do know is know is as of 2015, 86% of black men are killed by gun violence Read more   

The Atlantic published an article last year Read more  confirming Black men ages 15-34 are 9-16x more likely to be killed by police (something we already knew) it’s just so heartbreaking to actually read it. Nipsey Hussle was no different than the everyday black man, he may have wanted different for the world, he may have given more to his community …to his kids, he may have loved his woman more… but he was no different from any other black man unfortunately , and it’s sad.

Our hearts have gone out to Lauren London, meanwhile this has been the reality for many black women, many black mothers since forever.

“There’s falling in love, and then there’s falling in love with a black man”. We can’t fault Nipsey for being from the hood and staying in the hood… how dare we say that? That’s what’s you’re supposed to do, hell we’d fault him for getting put on and leaving the hood behind. We need to stop pointing fingers at everyone else and take a real look at our peers and the people around us. All these black lives matter movements meanwhile black men are out here killing their own, we don’t even need the police’s help if you want to be technical.

sad reality.

 

RIP Nipsey Hussle, another black man dead.

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Life has a way of leaving you wondering “Is This It?

In the midst of one of my usual 7-14 day breakdowns, I was driving into work this morning wondering, “Is this really it”?  It sounds so depressing when I say it outloud but it’s the truth. “Is this really it”? Is this all I was put here to do?

I don’t know about y’all but the younger me pictured a fabulous- ass life , I did. I pictured being this ‘ghetto-socialite’ with a fine husband who worked a great job and over contributed at 11% to his 401k. I pictured being proposed to with a modest 2 -carat emerald cut halo diamond ring at the tender age of 25, with no rush on marriage. In my head, this almost- perfect man would go on to buy me the perfect house, in the best neighborhood… I’d give him 3 kids and we’d have a dog.

Unfortunately for me, I was running around the projects in my early 20’s chasing drop outs who couldn’t distinguish between they’re and their.

Looking back,  I constantly wonder “girl, where were you meeting this Mr. Wonderful”? … as the saying goes we attract what we exude.

Fast forward to present day, I am 27 just a few months shy of 28, I have a 19 month old and I am somebodies’… (dare I say it) ‘baby momma’. Luckily I didn’t attract what I exuded because my sons father is very smart, much smarter than me. Also, no shade to the baby mommas out there but I said that sarcastically, I just wanted to put emphasis on the fact I am not a married woman and yes I have a child. — I ain’t no damn baby momma tho.

Moving on.

I wake up everyday usually later than normal rushing to get out the house and make it work 5 minutes late… it’s like no matter how hard I try, how many pep talks I give myself; I just can’t seem to get out the damn house on time. Throw in a couple of  temper tantrums courtesy of Carter and by the time I get to work, it’s the famous “if anyone was looking for me, I was in the bathroom”. Pet peeve #71 why the f*** am I never on time? Why do I always feel so rushed to do the same bullshit I did yesterday?

Some days I feel like quitting my job, moving to Cost Rica and having Carter and his dad sell their handmade goods in the beaches. — I’m not even kidding anything’s gotta be better than this, at least we’d have good weather.

Here I am, rushing to work my semi-stressful ok paying job, to get off work and rush to pick up my son from daycare to get home and prepare for our nightly routine all to do it again the next day, and the day after that and the day after that… don’t get me wrong my nights are occasionally broken up by impromptu date nights or the regular “Netflix and Chill” with my ‘baby daddy’ (who I hope reads this and cringes and realizes that term should change).But the routine has me dare I say it… bored.

I don’t want my honesty to be mistaken for being ungrateful because I am grateful, not everyone has a job, not everyone has a car, not everyone has a home to go to after a long day, but since I’ve become a mother I’ve been bored.

Is that normal?

Some nights I wonder, “What the hell am I going to do with my life because there’s no way in hell I was put on this earth to work a 9-5 for the next 40 years”. I complain to my mom and she chalks it up to being a millennial. Since I’ve become a mom, it seems life choices have weighed on me heavy… I’ve learned that life comes at you FAST , and it’s too short to be spent unhappy. I feel so pressured to live up to these imaginary expectations. In my head my 19 month old wants this awesome mom who does it all, when reality he loves me no matter what. Hell, I want to be this awesome mom who does it all … is that asking for too much?

People always say, “You can’t have it all” and the older I get I just wonder if whoever came up with that saying just gave up trying. Who say’s you can’t have it all, and why?

Eventually I think the boredom almost always turns into resentment, we stop doing the things that once made us feel alive maybe because of the husband or the kids, or we just got older and realized there was some unwritten rule that we should stop doing the things we once loved when we were younger?

I don’t know about y’all but I’m not feeling that, a happy me is the best me and I got a lot of years left on this Earth (god willing)  to be wasting them being anything but happy. Call me passionate or call me crazy but the older we get shouldn’t mean losing our zest for life…. how many other people have felt bored and what have you guys done to curb it?

Because at this point I’m about to sign up for Zumba, I heard, “it’s the ‘exciting mom thing to do’

Fu**** real exciting huh?

 

“Just because you forgive them, doesn’t mean they have to.”

Happy Wine- Wednesday.

Tonight’s wine: A Sutter Home, White Merlot 

 

White Merlot Food Pairings

With enticing raspberry aromas and sweet cherry flavors, Sutter Home White Merlot makes the perfect pairing for spicy chicken tacos, smoked cheeses, sweet and sour pork, lamb gyros, spicy steak and veggie kebabs, fig and goat cheese pizza, shrimp and pepper alfredo, mandarin chicken salad, and yogurt parfaits.

 

I feel like life has been so busy for a lot of people the past few weeks including myself, and when I feel like I’m getting too busy for my own good I try to take a moment to reflect, whether it’s hiding from Carter (which I’m kind of doing right now because yes he’s in bed, no he’s not commmpllleettllyyy sleep **oops)  or getting a pedicure complete with a mini foot massage that never goes long enough, but you guys get it. It’s necessary to take time for ourselves.

In the midst of my attempt to give up stress for lent (as described above)  I’ve been trying to figure out how I can stop “running myself so thin”. Trying to dedicate time to this and time to that without either clashing.

Shit can get stressful.

I’ve also thought about how sometimes we can not only spread ourselves thin with things but also with people. Often times when we are under stress, stress can lead to venting. Venting to the wrong people can eventually lead you to spreading yourself to thin.

We’ve all been there , venting to your girl or family member abour your occasionally f**k boy- Ish husband or boyfriend, venting to one co-worker about the next… or even venting to different friends about a problem you may have been having with another friend.

Most times a listening ear will get tired of listening.

We have all been there on both sides, fed up hearing about a friends problems because they aren’t doing anything about the problem themselves . At first we’re  compassionate, we side with them… hell we usually love them so of course we have their back . Then it’s, “How dare they do that, or Better yet  how dare they continue to do that”? Finally, Eventually all that shit turns into, “why would they put up with that”? It sucks because that can take a toll on our relationships, it can turn people we love into people we question if we still like…

Once you’ve  been on both sides you see it, And there’s growth in it. Understanding just because you forgive them doesn’t mean they have to as well. A lot of times we as people shoot ourselves in the foot, that spur of the moment venting can be therapeutic but enough venting often times can be detrimental.

we all go through it, and the wisdom usually comes with age, then sometimes we realize when it’s too late. Eventually comes the time to mend. -that’s the most stressful part. Whether you and your reformed f*** boy finally got it together, or an office meeting was finally called and all is well at the trap, or better yet you finally forgave that friend that was referred to as “unforgivable”.

It’s hard to repay that unpaid therapist. Maintaining severed relationships can become a job. A job that will wear you down worse than any 9-5 and sometimes you have to realize you can only do so much. Part of my plan to “give up” stress for lent is making amends, and I don’t necessarily mean with people, I mean with situations.

We we don’t always want to believe it but sometimes  Broken ties with family and friends can’t  always be restored, so why kill yourself trying? I’ve always been a firm believer in if two people want to work something out they will. I’ve had countless fallings outs with friends and family , and my real friends and family always make sure we get back no matter how long it takes… we make sure.

Timon and Pumbaa has it right in 94’

Hakuna Matata!…

a.k.a stop stressing.

I’m learning  to let people and relationships be whether I played a part  in the failure or not, make amends and move on, but also remember to make better choices in the future

like next time,

Paying someone to vent… they won’t hold it against you I promise.

nights guys

Xoxo

 

Moms weekend out.

I try to remind myself nights out as a mom are necessary, even if I have to force myself to go.

I came across the MFA Boston  (Museum of fine arts) “Late nites” about a month or so ago and I told my boyfriend I wanted to go. Friday night rolled around I had to call out of work to go but as you can see I was dressed and ready, luckily he was willing to stand in line for an hour and forty five mins… yes that long for us to get in. *perks of having a man who’s trying to get back in your good graces*

we stepped inside, it was insane ! I felt like I died and went to drag queen heaven. The DJ (who ironically, I went to high school with) held a special place in my heart the majority of the night as she played my favorite genre “trap” and some old-Skool  reggae.

Momma got her work on!

We danced, we viewed exhibits, we drank, we socialized and we drank some more.

I got so drunk and paid for it the entire weekend in more ways than one, my back has been aching since Saturday morning, along with being so hung over I had trouble seeing but the point is… we had fun!!!

perfect example of how necessary it is to not only step out of your comfort zone but to push yourself to go out and enjoy life especially when you’re a mother!

Now back to the regular scheduled program, a bihh got work tomorrow.

For more information on the next MFA “late nite” visit https://www.mfa.org/programs/series/mfa-late-nites

F*** it I’ll keep my own last name.

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I read this today, and I might receive a lot of backlash for it…

But i’m inclined to agree

Stating a black women choosing her independence over all else will continuously make her the enemy seems a bit harsh but I know where whoever wrote this was going with it.

In Essence, it gets deeper than this tho. To me what it boils down to is lack of communication and lack of leadership amongst men. I’m not sure who came up with this but I’m curious to know a little about them.

I’d love to ask this man (and I’m assuming it was a man who wrote it) What do you do for work? Would you consider yourself the breadwinner of your household? Are you married? Do you take initiative? Can your wife or girlfriend depend on you?

Those are some important questions

A man who is not a “leader” couldn’t possibly be convinced that a woman should choose “preserving a family unit” with lack of direction over her own independence when she isn’t being led correctly.

Hell no.

Funny thing is a lot of “men” nowadays want to lead and have the “let’s do it my way” attitude meanwhile they don’t even know their left from their right, and dare I say it, but a lot of men are stupid.

Actually no, that was offensive I’m going to rephrase a lot of men lack direction, so I’m most instances it’s pretty much impossible for them to expect a woman to abandon all that she KNOWS and risk it on a CHANCE , but in true men nature (meaning being foolish) a lot of times that makes sense.

Now on the flip side I’d like to play devils advocate, reading that statement I was inclined to agree prior to me really putting thought into it. One of the main reasons my child’s father and I disagreed pretty much for the past 5 years was because of my unwillingness to compromise, I was too headstrong… what I always said needed to go. The same independent quality I’ve praised myself over the years for I’ve began to hate at the same time. I’ve grown a thick skin, not by choice but because of what I’ve been through, what dating… what life has put me through and ironically enough I became chastised for it. “They harden you and then wonder why you’re not soft”.

A man wrote this statement assuming all women should make a choice because it seems like the right one to make but did the question arise  is it really the best choice?  Maybe if more black women went with the “I need to do what’s best for my family” rather than “I need to do what’s best for me” thought process … maybe just maybe we’d have more successful marriages and stronger black men who have been given the “provider” role and realized… now’s my chance.

“do or die”

such a sink or swim analogy… one that I’ve always asked myself is it worth the risk? And every time … the answer has been no. I can imagine for most women the answer is no and the saga continues . We are assumed to be so headstrong, so reluctant to give up this independence when really we are just scared.

Often Times failure becomes such a norm for us that we wonder why would this be any different … lack of communication, and to be frank total inconsideration.

Show me.

show me why I should abandon this “I gotta do what’s best for me and mine” attitude.

I feel as a whole black women have a lot of work to do, it was never embedded in us to be fragile, to be soft. You look at our mothers and their mothers and I bet you’ll hear a story about sacrifice and my favorite “doing what they had to do”.

Coming from that what makes you believe we’d ever see you as Prince Charming?

My daddy wasn’t and neither was my grandfather.

Nowadays we expect so much but work for so little, and it’s too bad.

So men, next time you wonder why she’s so reluctant to give up her “independence” realize she’s all she’s ever had.

 

Imagine if there was a “Be a black woman for a day” giveaway —- would anyone sign up?

I love being a black woman, I do. I say that, not because it was instilled in me that I have to unless I’d be a reverse racist and  I mean duh, nobody wants to be a reverse racist but because through it all —- I am still standing.

If I asked 100 white women, hell throw some  Asian women in there too, if I asked them would you want to be a black woman for a day?  How many do you think would say yes? I can imagine a few would just to see what it was like. Now, imagine if we asked them to switch for a week, majority would probably decline.

No lie being a black woman is HARD AS SHIT.

I think now that I’m approaching my late twenties, I realize it even more. Years ago, I wasn’t subjected to as many scenarios  that leave me just wondering how much easier it must be for women of other races.

For example, a couple weeks ago I went back to work after the weekend, and I went with a “weave”. Naturally my hair is short right now; but due  to my many hairstyles no one really ever knows what’s going under whatever style I have at the moment. All I can do is laugh thinking about it because it happens so often but the references that are made when it comes to black women and their hairstyles—- shocking. It’s shocking because I’ve heard it all from, “wow”, your hair grew overnight, to “is that a wig or one of those weaves” oh and this is my favorite , “how’s it attached”? On that particular day I got the “is that a weave or wig”?  Having acquired a lot of patience to answer such ignorant questions I respond with the truth, “it’s extensions”, and of course, in fake ass corporate America I got the I love it, it looks so good!

Over time, I’ve noticed when white women choose to attach hair to their head in an attempt to make it longer it’s referred to as “extensions” but as soon as the conversation occurs with a woman of color suddenly “ weave” is added into their vocabulary—- too much TV I assume.

For any women reading who are of a race other than African American, if you’re guilty of the following, please stop and be sure to let your friends know as well.

When we start work we always sign the handbook recognizing sexual harassment,  and hostile work environments etc, and we agree to not partake in any of it… but am I the only one that thinks there should be a special carve out when it comes to women of color?  I say all this as a black girl addicted to weave … *correction “extensions” but I can only imagine what natural women deal with.

—- such a shame, and imagine if we reacted how we wanted, or said what was really on our minds… well there goes that “angry black woman” label.  Such a lose lose.

 

Sometimes when I get questioned about my hair I want to really pour out my life story. I want to tell these bitches how I wake up at least 3 times a night because my headscarf falls off and it’s against black girl code to sleep without it. I want to tell them how I constantly have to pass up some tempting ass shower sex until wash day, or the night before my hair appointment because I can’t get my hair wet — fucking tragic I know. I want to tell them how I’ve decided between buying bundles or paying a bill just so I could look the part for the same people that ask me about the hair I damn near went broke for. I want to talk about how fellatio has often times been awkward due to the “please don’t touch my hair rule”, of course they wouldn’t understand because their Billy is at home blowing backs out as he grabs hold of his Caucasian wife’s luscious  locs. Forgive me if I sound hostile—- I am. As I said being a black woman is hard as shit.

That’s  only at work.

Socially, name another group of women in  more competition than that of black women, and if you do I’m calling bullshit because they don’t exist. Imagine being in a competition you don’t even want to be apart of. You go to the mall- competition, you go grocery shopping- competition, you’re out at a club … whew chilay the competition.  You’re judged constantly by other black women and let you be pretty with a few things going for yourself, forget about it —You’ve immediately been labeled “that bitch” and not in a good way.  Saddest part is no matter how much you don’t want to be involved, how much you stay low key, and just keep to yourself as a black woman if you possess certain qualities you’re automatically competition. —- Happy Black History Month.

Lastly the only other area left.

Relationships.

I’d say being a black woman who loves a black man is by far the hardest job of them all. Women in general love black men, there are tons of interracial relationships that are very successful and each and every time I will say those black men who date the white and Asian women aren’t e the same black men who date black women, and they never will be. Two broken people trying to love one another while usually hurting eachother in the process. The same man who has the same battles at work, the same battles socially now tries to love an equally angry woman. —- recipe for failure. I read a quote that said, “hurt people, hurt people and whole people heal people,”.  Point me in the direction of a “whole” minority….

yet another battle .

These 3 subjects don’t even skim the surface of how hard it is being a black woman.

Amazingly we are still standing, broken and bruised we still stand optimistic about the future in such a pessimistic ass world and with that being said it ain’t for the weak.

So to be fair, I can understand why many would decline of the offer to be a black woman for any amount of time…

they don’t call it “black girl magic” for nothing.