Out of all the times to complain about being a mother I think now is pretty appropriate.

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I get to work and read the headline…

Oklahoma governor signs strictest abortion ban law in US

Kevin Stitt approves legislation in effect outlawing all terminations with exceptions for rape and incest

Governor Kevin Stitt: ‘I promised Oklahomans that as governor I would sign every piece of pro-life legislation that came across my desk.’
Governor Kevin Stitt: ‘I promised Oklahomans that as governor I would sign every piece of pro-life legislation that came across my desk.’

Can we keep it real for a second, incest or rape? Thank god I do not live in Oklahoma is all I can say because I have been to the clinic A FEW times, which is nothing to be proud about but in the same breathe everything to be proud about because some women don’t have the same option. Imagine being 18 (me) just a few weeks shy of graduation and finding out you were pregnant after taking a pregnancy test in your best friend’s basement… In no real relationship, working a part time job at a sneaker store and still at home with your mother. For Governor Stitt to play God , which is really what he’s doing by deciding the fate not only of young women, but their families and ulimately these babies’ lives is not only a shame but to be frank inhumane. Another recent headline,

New York City mayor declares state of emergency over nationwide infant formula shortage

By Samantha Beech, CNN

Updated 2:21 PM ET, Sun May 22, 2022

A nearly empty baby formula display shelf is seen at a Walgreens pharmacy on May 9 in New York City.

A nearly empty baby formula display shelf is seen at a Walgreens pharmacy on May 9 in New York City.

(CNN)New York City Mayor Eric Adams has declared a state of emergency over the nationwide shortage of infant formula.

“The formula shortage reached a critical stage when Abbott’s plant in Sturgis, Michigan, the largest baby formula facility in the U.S.. instituted a massive recall in February after parents reported their children falling ill after consuming the company’s products. The FDA later reported that Abbott had unsanitary conditions at its plant.”

So just so we are all on the same page, not only are lawmakers forcing women to have babies, but they are forcing women to have babies during a formula shortage– a state of emergency. Babies are literally starving, god bless you if you can’t breastfeed because once again Governor Sitt knows best. My modest B cups began acting VERY stingy when my milk supply dropped around 3 months so formula was a constant for the next 7 months. My daughter was around 10 months when I began reminding myself pretty regularly only 2 more months of ‘this shit’, and by shit I mean going to 2-3 stores in a night because the shelves were literally empty thankful that I found a store that I could spend $80 at for 2 cans of formula (imagine that being thankful to spend $80 on formula) because it was beginning to become stressful trying to find it when we needed it. This was before it was considered a national emergency, but had you asked me on the days I was driving to multiple stores it was definitely an emergency to me. I finally made the decision at 11 months to play pediatrician and decide Harper was ready for whole milk, not the easiest transition but at that point it was out of necessity.

What about the moms with new babies who can’t make that choice?

Someone find me Governor Stitts email address because I am on a role, and while I’m at it I want to CC the Uvalde police department too.

The subject would read, “Meet the person forcing us to have the kids you’re letting die” a little harsh I know, but pretty spot on, if it was any softer they might not read it. I’d take some time to also link articles questioning why Salvador Ramos the gunman who killed 19 students and two teachers at a Texas elementary school Tuesday was on the premises for up to an hour before law enforcement forcibly entered a classroom and killed him. As a parent I couldn’t imagine pleading with police for help as I heard shooting in my son or daughters school, being prevented from entering as I imagined the worst.

Javier Cazares, whose fourth-grade daughter, Jacklyn Cazares, was killed in the attack, was “upset that police were not moving in, he raised the idea of charging into the school with several other bystanders.

“Let’s just rush in because the cops aren’t doing anything like they are supposed to,” he said.

“More could have been done. They were unprepared,” he added

I say this to say this, Women are under attack, and so are our babies.

We are not safe, and neither are they… we are being robbed of safe spaces, safe havens, rights to healthcare and public safety, being forced to cry in the shadows and right a yelp review about our “poor experiences” — because nothing is being done. Life right now feels like I’ve went to a series of bad restaurants with horrible service and all the managers have done is apologized about my experience.

The sad part is most of us mothers have no choice but to send our kids to school, then we have lawmakers keeping gun laws the way they are so more mass shooters can access them and all they do is apologize when our children are killed, and we barely get that.— it’s sickening.

I’m frustrated, but to be frank I’m just tired… again to pretty much be stripped of our rights on what seems like daily is absoluetly exhausting. You find yourself questioning not only what the world is coming to but what it will be like in the next 5-10 years? As a parent you want what’s best for your children and at this point it seems like we are forced to imagine the worst, and by forced I literally mean forced because if you’re living in Oklahoma and lacking resources unless your raped by a stanger or a family member you better start imagining because you’ll be a mother like the rest of us.

Really, I feel for the people contemplating starting a family but hesitant, because you should be… take it from the ones already going through it.

Sincerely,

An uncertain mother

P.s If anyone gets a hold of the contact information for The Uvalde Police or Governor Stitt, kindly send it over, I’m ready to send over my yelp review.

Must I Remind You Even Salt Looks Like Sugar– But How Was Valentines Day?

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Keeping this short and sweet but, part of me felt like I needed to wait until 12:01 am 2/15/22 to post this just so I wouldn’t sound like a hater, The most ironic part of this post is this is the first year I haven’t really celebrated Valentine’s Day, no gifts, no work deliveries and yet I am my happiest. I woke up this morning and the day seemed…more authentic. Not as many Instagram odes, more “Galentine” recognitions– clearly COVID ruined a couple happy homes. Don’t get me wrong I was here for the authentic ” We are really in love everyday, not just Valentine’s Day post”, it actually gave me hope that there were some relationships out there that were not keeping up for appearances, but for the few who were just doing it for the gram– I guess.

I’m asking for a friend, does the ability to publicly post the “appreciation” make up for the closet disrespect or do you still go to bed mad? I’m going to have a “Share moment” and I swear this is my last personal share before I write my book because my life is too juicy to share it for free, but last year as I was pregnant with my daughter due to “circumstances” I spent Valentine’s Day with my mom, Carter was hanging with his dad for the day, don’t get me wrong it was still an amazing day nonetheless but it wasn’t what I would have rather been doing. My memory really isn’t the best but I believe my daughter’s father claimed to be spending the day with his kids– ( I mean a dad spending Valentine’s Day with his daughters honorable af right) but considering it was him… I just found that hard to believe. Somewhere between the 7 month mark hormones or my own crazy meter, I decided he was lying and blocked him altogether. The next day I got a wack ass flower delivery and a “come over” of course I went. I will never forget, going in his fridge to get a drink and seeing the champagne in the fridge– half empty.

Ya’ll think they were drinking together?

I was disgusted. ( those who know how I felt about Harper’s pregnancy know) but I was even more disgusted because I posted said “wack ass flowers” as if I was having such an amazing day– meanwhile. God knows who probably did the same thing. I say this to say this, majority of people are faking it. I don’t say this to discredit them because in the moment people do some strange things, but I say it for the people envious of the “fairy tale”. At this big age, people are posting to make others jealous, posting to keep people happy and posting to make it seem like things are together, meanwhile it’s just the opposite.

Don’t believe the hype, we are all in pursuit of authentic, healthy, wholesome love, nothing in between. Some women believe they deserve flowers on February 14th and not any other day out the year, some women will convince the world that those same flowers were so worth the other shit they had to go through that it almost erases the wrong doings they experience at the hands of the same man they brag about, pray for them.

Because…

even salt was mistaken as sugar.

I’ve become obsessed with healthy relationships, the fact that a man and a woman are so in tune with one another, they make it a point to never stop filling one another’s cup. They know just what the other needs and if they don’t know they make it a point to figure it out.— Ya’ll think these men got any cousins? When I say obsessed just know it’s in a healthy way because at a point I really used to be a hater, ” How do all these broads have these amazing men?– they ain’t even cute”. — that was really me. Then I realized soul ties were real, you attract what you put out, these women weren’t coming across these seemingly good men by chance. God saw them fit for such a blessing, so rather than hating that it wasn’t me, I began working on me so it was. This Valentine’s Day was a reflection that change is possible and it begins with your mindset, rather than taking the day to reflect on what I don’t have, I took it to reflect on what I had and didn’t need (niggas celebrating Valentine’s Day with other bitches while you’re pregnant with their child), what I want but do not have yet (the good man that I know will one day come). There are so many blessings in the lessons and it is truly dependent on your point of view…

Future made us realize there were two types of women, those that would rather cry in a Rolls Royce and then the rest that would rather smile in a Honda.. basically Valentine’s Day defines who is who.

Happy Day after Valentine’s Day, may all my bitches be riding in new Accords.

My Thoughts: Raising My Son on Love vs Survival

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I’ve made these mistakes more than once, mistakes of dating men who based their decisions in life on survival. They didn’t care who they hurt in the process as long as it benefitted them– true narcissists. They masked their malicious intentions as love in efforts to further themselves and their agendas. I used to think of their mothers with disgust– like look who you raised. I feel we as women are always so quick to blame the mothers for their son’s wrong doings as if it’s their fault. What did Summer Walker say?

I wanna start with yo’ mama, she should’ve whooped yo’ ass

As I raise my son… my beautiful, brown son, whom I speak life into any and every chance I can… I cant help but wonder, “Will he be like them”? I think if we had conversations with the mothers of these “men”, 1 of 2 things would happen, they’d begin to deny the fact they had the sons you claim they do. They’d say things like, “Man- Man would never” (you know the type to make excuses for their grown ass sons) using pet names they gave them when they were 2 (gross), or they’d take accountability for the men they raised and look back on things they could have perhaps did differently, I don’t want to be either.– because I know first fucking hand “Man – Man” could and he most definitely would if these women let him.

Of course playing devil’s advocate , I also consider other scenarios of boys who turned into men that were forced to live based on survival, possibly not having stable or present parents which forced them into these ‘learned behaviors’, not making excuses but did they have a choice? I think we create these false expectations that we will raise these wholesome boys turned wonderful men by doing XYZ, when that is just not the reality. There are tons of parents who thought they were doing the “right” things and still raised children who went astray. I think society doesn’t realize just how fragile men are. Which leads me to also question, “Does having strong examples of both parents truly influence who men become in life”? I’m beginning to reassess a lot of principles I thought to be true when it comes to raising my children solely based off my life’s experiences. I once dated a man who came from a two parent household and guess what he was still trash. — if out for self had a picture, it would be him. I wonder if it had to do with his head strong mother and overly submissive father who didn’t have much to add aside from what his wife thought. I look back on said trash man’s failures as a man and directly correlate them to what he saw in the house, dependency on his mother and lack of example in a man… perhaps that led him to be who he is ?– a survivor. One thing I think he failed to realize early was there are “good men” in this world who usually follow the lead of a “good woman” and then there is everyone else. In his case I’ve exchanged the term survivor for many other adjectives not limited to user, opportunist , even disgrace depending on the day, but as I sit back and reflect it’s easy to see why he became the way he did, he just looked for women to fill his mother’s shoes, Multiple women, typically all at once getting anything he could from them and offering little in return

In the same breathe I use to at times bash men, although reluctant to do so, I can still see how fragile men are. I can see how society has so much influence, so much pressure over them, especially men of color that it’s almost in fact they are designed to believe they will never live up to certain standards. — a pity party I don’t think anyone should feed into because let’s face it, life is hard for us all. I do however remind myself of how cruel society can be now that I am a mother considering her own son. Society is reminding me that no matter what I do, raise him on love, raise him on survival, raise him in a two parent household with constant displays of affection and support he could still very well turn into said “trash man” — Do I think it would really happen.. no. But, it could right? No matter the types of men I’ve come across I’ve always tried to differentiate the ones who may have been raised on love versus the ones who were raised on survival and it was today that it finally hit me, a man’s going to be who they decide to be. Of course influences play a part, but fact is we are in control of our own destiny. — a heart breaking reality.

I realized in fact showering my 4 year old could very well turn him into a survivor… it’s almost giving “Opedius Complex” https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-an-oedipal-complex-2795403 . I’m also realizing my hopes of raising him in a loving, healthy 2 parent household could in fact do the same especially depending on the man who’s acting as the example. It’s almost as if we drive ourselves crazy analyzing the men we meet trying to make sense of why they are the way they are, and we do the same when it comes to raising our child. As mothers we try to do everything as close to perfect to raise these amazing humans when the truth is, our children will only be amazing if they want to, of course again influences are huge. So in the end I say this, “I hope the positive influences outweigh the bad giving my son the tools he needs to approach life with positivity, to avoid being a cloud and to bring the same sunshine in others’ lives that I know I bring to his”.

cheers to raising lovable kids and losing men who were not taught to understand the difference.

I signed up for a dating website for 24 hours and here’s what happened… 

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Barbie and I were on one of our infamous lives on a Wednesday where we suggested we do a “social experiment” , we came up with the idea to sign up for a dating site for 24 hours and see what happens . In my true rebellious fashion I was down. For those who do not know, Barbie is my sister, and yes that is her real name . We have an Instagram live show every Wednesday at 9 pm referred to as “Burn After Listening “ the title is especially fitting because we typically talk a lot of shit about whatever the topic may be and then we delete the live once it’s over so literally if you don’t catch the live as it’s going on you won’t know what/ who  was discussed. How appropriate right? A chance to admit you signed up for a dating app and no one except for the people tuned in and whoever they may have told know because you deleted all evidence — right up my alley . 

So the dating app we decided on was, Hinge. I had heard of Hinge before but didn’t know too much about it,  I wanted to be sure it wasn’t one of those hookup apps because if anyone tried to send me a dick pic, social experiment over ! I was all giddy, answering my profile questions trying to think of the right responses without trying too hard … and the picture, I didn’t understand how much thought went into dating app profile pictures until then. I wanted to choose something that said, I’m sexy but I’m not a whore, I have hobbies aside from drinking wine/ scrolling the internet and then it came down to the kids part … do I disclose I’m a mom ? Having your children plastered on the internet is already weird enough but a dating website ? Ultimately I decided to choose 6 pictures, a couple from vacations in a thong bathing suit showing just enough without too much , a couple silly photos— so they knew I liked to have a good time and lastly a picture of my children and I … what good is a social media experiment if you’re not 100% truthful ? I mean of course seeing a woman on a dating app holding a baby and sitting next to a toddler is a red flag , but sometimes red flags can look like a carnival so let the games begin. There I was at the mercy of some man … or woman or non-binary’s (because we have to be inclusive) fingertips . 

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN. 

At first it was a joke . I almost immediately started getting likes from guys who I’d never like or even look at, but I thought to myself, “Could this be the sign I needed”? Was it God blessing me with the medium ugly man with no kids, lots of ambition and a high paying job open to becoming a step father ? Were my prayers being answered on hinge ? Of course I kept swiping literally pressing the “x” next to 99% of the men I came across . I kid you not when I say the profile descriptions read, ‘Doctor who loves hiking’ .. with the looks of Christian Bael in American Psycho . Like what the hell were these seemingly attractive men with these seemingly high paying jobs and seemingly normal lives doing on a dating site ? I came to 2 very different conclusions, either A) dating apps weren’t as bad as I thought they were or B) dating apps were worse than I thought there were — remember the Craigslist Killer ? He was a doctor ! 

I think I would have treated this a little differently had I not had children, I even came across a guy I slept with before , the old Ashley would have messaged him … but the changed Ashley just kept swiping , the more I swiped the more I wondered what the hell I was doing on this damn app, experimental purposes aside . Is this really what dating has come to in 2022? Meeting people online? Anyways I finally come across someone , looks wise he was typical of someone I’d date , sneakers… chains , well-traveled , A DAD! So I hit the like button. The only thing I was NOT used to was his skin color, let’s just say he was white , I found out he was not , but he looked it.— which was not a problem it was just … different. We started a conversation, a little sarcasm here, getting to know each other there and it was cool. It was nice, I could see the allure. Normally my phone is quiet , and I like it that way but having someone messaging you, calling etc… that’s a nice feeling . 

It was starting to make more sense . 

I was/ still am curious to know the amount of people on dating apps for fun versus the amount who are on dating apps for something potentially long term. I call the fun in between anything serious — a “time filler”. Someone to get you through your days , make you laugh, distract you from an ex, maybe even actually go out with . Hinge was that… a place for people to go and fill their time . But guess what’s My time is full , it’s actually too damn full. Between kids, working, growing my businesses , running social media apps, the list goes on—- I deleted the app in less than 24 hours . Social experiment done . I will say I learned a lot in less than a day, not only about myself but also other people. Humans are actually very needy, men … women , there’s this constant need for validation from others, doesn’t matter if it’s on a dating app, online , in person . Look at the lead up to creating my dating profile , I thought hard , I wanted to impress whoever even though I had zero intentions of actually meeting anyone . I also learned I will never ever go on a dating site again . I like platonic introductions , I want to meet you in real life because you noticed me across the bar or you saw me carrying a bunch of groceries and offered me a hand ( two scenarios that I completely made up, but it would be nice right ?)I want to smell you. — it sounds strange Barbie even calls me weird for saying it but what if you meant someone online and their breathe was bad or they had body odor? Imagine liking them so much and finally meeting them to be disappointed— nope.

See why I need the initial encounter to be in person? 

I learned since becoming a mother again my standards have changed so drastically I kind of wonder, “Am I okay”? like did Harper break my vagina on the way out? I’m not merely attracted to anyone or anything right now and that’s okay. I think there are a lot of women like me right now , alone but not necessarily lonely just focused and declining anything and everything until the right time . I think society has us in such a chokehold when it comes to relationships, and to dating that we are rushing things . In all actuality dating is just a distraction to those who aren’t ready. 

I look at my life currently and whew Chile, I wouldn’t even date me right now … but from those 6 profile pictures it looked amazing . It’s kind of scary thinking about how many people just like me are on these apps hiding behind the 6 best pictures they would choose —- yikes . Majority of these people are carrying these facades to people either just as crazy as them or to the few who are genuinely looking for a connection. 

So Hinge gets a solid 5 from me. 

I disliked I couldn’t narrow people down by race … (that’s not racist right ) I disliked all the men posing with animals , and I disliked the overwhelming feeling of ‘look at me, I’m so successful with no one to share all this success with ‘.

The Social experiment gets a 10 ( everyone should do it) — in such a small time I  realized I’m exactly where I need to be, I am not missing out on anything and I did get some laughs out of the conversations)

For those who have tried dating apps, what have been your experiences ? I’m dying to hear some success stories. — is there any hope?

365 Days, 365 New Opportunities

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First off, Happy New Year! I said it last year and the year before that and I’m pretty sure almost every year before that but my goodness is time flying! And I mean that in the best way. Although I feel like 2021 kicked my ass, I’m still here and somehow still optimistic about what’s in store.

I woke up January 1, 2022 feeling refreshed, and ready—- how “cliché” right?

Every year we hear people talking about “New Year, New Me” and every year we give those same people a month or two until we can expect the old them to make their way right back. Then by mid June, those same “reinvented” people realized ain’t much about them changed but the scale and I ain’t talking about it going down… then they proclaim the following year to be “their year”—- vicious cycle. I too am guilty of being one of ‘those people’ don’t get me wrong 2021 was a year of so many accomplishments however it was a year of so many regrets… I found myself wishing more than actually doing, talking more than executing.

Repeat after me, “We are going for it this year, and we are going to accomplish it all”. Whatever “it” may be for you, reaffirm this to yourself each and every day. As a part of change I decided to dead the term “resolutions” and replace is with affirmations. Typically with New Year resolutions the term, “I want to” is inserted in front of whatever it is you hope to accomplish that year versus affirming that you will accomplish it.

I for one prefer to speak life into my plans so there’s no more I want to, I’m reminding myself, “I am going to”.

Some of My Affirmations for 2021:

1. I WILL pursue my passions

Pursuing my passions has become a loaded topic for me because I either start something and never finish or I talk myself out of it entirely, usually to spare myself from the thought of failing. —- 2021 we killing that noise and we going for it.

 2. I WILL be in the best shape of my life, not to just look good but to also feel good .

As I’ve mentioned before I love starting things and never finishing. I need to remind myself it’s a marathon not a sprint, we get so caught up in the idea of instant gratifications that’s we don’t want to work for it, and if you’re like me you don’t want to pay for it … or I should say, can’t because I’m broke and if I had the money I probably would (hehe) but regardless nothing worth having ever comes easy. I’m vowing to put the work in now so I can flex ALL SUMMER 22’ and I started this by joining the @trillfit  Brunch and Burn Challenge . Visit @badmomsofbostom on Instagram and register if your looking forward to getting your body together as well!

3. I WILL step outside of my comfort zone.

Trying new things for me is what keeps me feeling invigorated but I can’t always say they are outside of my comfort zone. Part of stepping outside of myself will mean getting to know myself all over … and I’m excited .

Basically I’ll be dating myself occasionally this year

4. I WILL save more.

Spending money has become a hobby for me but having money is so important, Rainy days come when you least expect them so I am making sure I am prepared . I challenge you to the in 2022 challenge (see details below) I also included a few other savings challenges in case you’re feeling over zealous

25006890

Who is with me?

5. I WILL travel to new places.

Last year I was fortunate enough to visit Aruba amongst a few other cities in the States, this year I’m challenging myself to 3 countries and as many of you know traveling with a baby toddler is no fun so we will see how that goes.

6. I WILL continue nurturing my relationship with the Lord.

I recently started going back to church with my son, my relationship with the Lord is important but it’s even more important for me to raise a son who knows the Lord.

7. I WILL no longer put the needs of others before my own.

It’s not selfish… it’s self care

no explanation needed

8. I WILL strive to be a better mother/woman/daughter/ sister than I was last year.

I’d like to think I’m a good girl but I want to be more intentional in showing my loved ones they are appreciated after all they do it for me.

In a nutshell, 2022 is very personal for me. I owe myself a lot in more ways than one, and I feel everyone should have goals, self progression is a never ending thing. I cant wait to hear about some of your New Year affirmations so make sure you drop them in the comments sections:

If you’re at a loss on what you can change in the New Year see some suggestions here

As Always,

Thank you for reading

Ashley

A Letter to the Woman I’m Leaving in 2021

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Well clearly time flies even when you’re not having a blast.

You went into this year so ready for a new start, so optimistic… how quickly you forgot…

2020 came with so many hard lessons but yet they were not hard enough to force you to do better, you brought the same people, the same problems into 2021 and it dictated your entire year– for the worst. You broke your own heart over and over while fooling yourself into thinking you were somehow healing.

Silly Rabbit.

“What’s for you will not pass you by”– unless it’s a leach; see those will suck you dry. You saw the ugly side to love. You priortized the needs of others over your own and it set you back time and time again. The majority of this year was themed regret, when it should have been a time of celebration. Progress should never feel like you’re moving backwards but yet you did. Imagine if you did not have to keep picking up the pieces perhaps the puzzle would be half way done instead of not even started. — you knew better.

Your strength, your resilience, your willingness to still love, to still laugh as if none of it ever happened is kind of admirable but honestly very scary… I hope you don’t forget the many tears you cried in 2021. I hope 2022 brings you joy. I hope the people you choose in the new year deserve you. I hope you remind yourself to work smarter, and not harder, to maximize your potential and to push yourself while still understanding you have limits and rest is necessary. I pray you remember your soul tires easier than your body. You lacked peace this year yet yearned to be everyone elses’– you’ve got to be exhausted by now.

2022 is going to require discipline and focus. Commit to yourself this year, not anyone else, not even the kids, commit to you, your goals, your heart– they’ll thank you later. Commit to being a better version than you were in 2021 even if it’s the smallest goal , accomplishment it, then set your sights on something bigger.

The strong black woman shit is a front handle yourself with care and expect the same of others. You are fragile and damaged, but lucky for you time heals. Make them wish they played a different role in this story, make them regret not treating you better.

Anytime you find yourself asking ” How many times are you going to keep starting over”?…

Just know, as many times as it fucking takes.– you’ve got this.

Happy New Year

Lord, these men you left down here for us belong in Hell.

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… well not all ….some, the title seemed fitting.

Am I the only one with no desire to date? In my head I’m conditioning myself to think all men are the same yet I’m 99.9% sure I’m going to meet this amazing man as long as I continue to work on myself but damn it … WHEN? I can tell you I talk a good one, because I am not ready —- at all . I’ve been doing some heavy soul searching, truthfully just figuring out where I’ve went wrong in the past and how I can prevent it in the future. We’ve all heard the saying “Third times a charm,” but I said to myself if I have a third baby daddy a) I’m not going to make it and b) I’m not going to fucking make it.

To the women with 3+ baby daddies and no husband, ya’ll strong, strong.

More than anything I think we can all agree it boils down to wanting a partner– right? Any man can present himself as a man, wine and dine you a little, d*ck you down but not all men are partners. Can we do life together and actually be successful at it?” Many men are struggling to do life by themselves, let alone with someone else, and not to single men out because a lot of women don’t have their shit together either. Aside from maturity and lesosns learned from being a single mother the economy alone has made me realize how important it is to have a life partner, truthfully. Personally for me things that were once considered a plus have become a requirement…MUST HAVE GOOD CREDIT or at least understand the IMPORTANCE of it (and be working on it)… look at me bending for anyone ready to drag me for having “too high standards” and honestly my only other requirement right now is MUST BE READY TO BUILD, and has to understand the importance of team work, it kind of sounds like I’m looking for a business partner but truthfully the physical attributes are a given I think at this day and age we don’t need to zero in and focus on qualties that may not matter in the grand scheme of things. I may be willing to trade a tall man for a man with good credit, ask me that 5 years ago it was a hard ‘no’– see, growth.

I think we as a generation we are all focused on so many things, more than half of men and women are content with things “looking good” the body, the money, the social media… everything “seems” good then we have the rest who actually come to the realization looking good holds no weight in the real world , we would rather walk around a mess as long as our bills are paid, house is in order and kids are taking care of… what do they call that ? Priorities right? im the latter of the two, a hot ass mess; Props to those who can do both, I stan… and the other people don’t count becasuse the found someone… This is exclusive to SINGLE PEOPLE.

What sucks is a good portion of people that have their head on straight are single and actually looking for a partner with the same “requirements” and pickings out here are pretty slim.– I blame the men.

that’s it, that’s the statement.

I’m going to use I think a lot so everyone understands this is just my personal opinion, but I ‘think’ the leadership roles have become reversed… we have a lot of men that if we are keeping it honest don’t do shit, and if they do shit it’s at the direction of a women. I believe we all need help but it’s not being reciporated. Do you know how many times I’ve wished I had someone to do the things for me that I’ve done for a man in the past. Men have become entitled and it’s at the hands of women. We are to blame and truthfully the longer you enable this type of ‘man’ the longer that narritaive will stand true. I call it the, “What you don’t do the next woman will” concept because the lack of standards is truly at an all time high. Can we fix that ladies? It’s giving men more options to the … well kind of trash while we the ‘good ones’ sit around twiddling our thumbs. A lot of men will read this and say, ” Well that’s the men you’ve dealt with, where did you find them?” Although I can’t disagree my taste was probably poor, but that has been the majority.

I laugh because I got some nerve trying to build someone’s dusty son up once upon a time and now complaining how they aren’t enough, well ‘ yesterday’s price is not today’s price’ We have a right to demand more and if someone wants to show up they will and if not that’s cool too. If I pour into you, I want you to be willing the same when I’m eventually empty… this generation man! Some days I/m like I need an older divorcee with grown kids who finally figured it out, but hell they are a mess too which is the reason I say it is MEN, and honey ain’t no penis in the world worth tricking me out of the love I have for myself, the growth thats’s taken me years to gain. It comes down to how much do you think you’re worth and what do you really think you deserve ?

A question I pose to both men and women… Are you willing to wait until the right one comes or are you willing to break you heart in hopes of the right one is getting their shit together? It’s pretty much that cut and dry. I’m almost sure Adam ate the apple, gotta be the reason these men are down here acting like this, I mean it makes sense. But through all of this bitterness I think we have to be happy right? Happy to know better because just think you could still be out here with Ms. Brenda’s son, getting broken down yet convincing yourself it’s love as you carry the “relationship” Which is why it’s best to wait for a partner. I’ve been big on manifesting, yes I am swearing off men, but I follow it up with, ” because I’m waiting on a good man” I want my desires to be heard; I always say we block our blessing when we don’t tell the TRUTH.– a defense mechanism at times but it really is a wasted action. The motto of 2022 “from our lips to God’s ears”, we are praying for a PARTNER, for a man WHO LOVES US WHOLE, and to be that woman for him once he proves deserving. It may take a while but I have faith. until then…

ya’ll think God accepts returns/ exchanges.

I’m asking for my homegirls and I.

Coping with the feeling of failing my children.

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I think we can all agree multiple kids by multiple people is nothing to run home about espcially when both relationships have failed. Even dealing with one failed relationship is enough, but two WHEW , anyone that has me beat please contact me because you deserve a bottle of wine… my treat. My son woke up this morning and as we were getting dressed for school he said, “Mom I miss my dad, and Harper misses her dad; we want to see our dads”.

The small piece of heart that I had left broke along with the rest of it. Holding back tears, all I could say was, “soon”. When soon was… I don’t know and I’m glad that answer was enough for him to feel content in that moment although I know soon enough there will be more questions.

Everyday I wake up, I look at my two kids and think about how I fucked up — Royally. I love them to death, I’m so happy they are mine, I couldn’t imagine life without them but at the same time I think about how my decisions or should I say poor choices in men if we are being honest is unknowingly ruining them.– I cry about it in the most random spots too, the shower, the laundry room, a tear fell in the liquor store the other day (clearly the wine isn’t doing what it’s supposed to), but my heart truly aches for them. I didn’t foresee things being like this with one at least. My son’s father dropped off the face of the planet (temporarily) after being a constant in his life for 3 years. He hasn’t seen him in 6 months and all I can say is thank God young children have no real concept of time because can you imagine? What my son does know is it’s been too long for him and he doesn’t like it . I said (temporarily) because we have court next week to discuss visitation… *eyeroll* After deciding he no longer wanted to be a parent some months ago, I had to go through the tedious process of filing child support and those that have gone through it KNOW, it’s pretty bad, now add that process in with having a newborn. I guess he picked a good time to turn my shit upside down– touché sir, touché.

Fast forward to November, he was finally served and typically when that happens the person being served has an opportunity to answer, at that point he decided to counter serve me with a visitation request. My first thought … spite. If you were so concerned about seeing your child , A) why wait so long to take the appropriate measures? and B) why do it after I did what I needed to do? TBD , I’ll let you guys know how court goes next week… and my daughter I feel for her even more. Fortunately for her she has yet to experience the feeling of loss, she hasn’t had to meet someone then have them go away, and she will not.

I will say this, the battles mothers face regularly truly should be called a “losing game” a constant battle between your heart and your brain, or maybe even your ego? We want what’s best for our children while trying to shield them from what isn’t but how can you explain that to them? When it’s someone they love– there goes that losing game. Yet we are responsible for constantly picking up the pieces of disappointment, lies and broken hearts on both our ends. I read somewhere the hardest thing you’ll ever do as a mother is try to be a mother while healing a broken heart. Of course my kids don’t know this, they are too young but the guilt of the situations I have chosen to bring them into breaks my heart everyday. I wonder why couldn’t I get it right? or at least have tried to for their sakes… I guess if I did they wouldn’t be here right? I always questioned, “Why fathers don’t feel the same way mothers do about their children”? I guess that’s one of those questions that’ll never be answered. As mothers our decisions are always based on our kids, sacrifices based on our kids, pretty much everything is based on our children because we want what’s best for them. Why is that such a hard thing to grasp for some fathers? I hate hearing people say kids “Need their dads” but I love correcting them when they do. I kindly remind them, “Kids need, healthy, clear minded dads who provide and want what is best for them, that is what kids “need” anything else they can go without in my opinion”. And to deal with anyone that is less than that, well that’s when the resentment starts to creep in and I think that’s the hardest part especially for me. You sit back and wonder what the hell was I thinking, I’ll admit when I was served with the visitation papers I was PISSED. the circumstances, what I’ve had to deal with these past 6 months being the SOLE PROVIDER, tons of emotions then I sat back and wondered, “Should I not be happy for my son”?— see…the losing game again. I’m literally wondering, Should I be putting my emotions aside for him? So many questions, thoughts and battles within myself that kept leading me back to the root of the problem, HIM. Had HE just done what HE was supposed to do then WE would not be here. — back to being angry.

What a mess.

What I am learning is I need to separate my emotions from that of my childrens’… something I don’t know if I will ever be able to do, but I am trying. I suppose when they are old enough I won’t have this feeling that I need to protect them from someone they “love” I hope by then the person they love so much, loves them back they way they should be loved. Either that, or I hope they are able to form their own opinions about their fathers and decide to do what’s best for them so they are not hurt, I especially hope that for my daughter. Part of me sees why God’s putting me through all of this. Number one I haven’t learned my lesson after the many red flags before so truly I’m putting myself through this too and I guess how I decide to proceed will determine how much longer I harbor this feeling of ‘guilt’. A friend of mine today said, “it is what it is”… I’m trying to live by that in the midst of the tears. My kids aren’t going anywhere, although I wish I was (on a vacation preferably). But here we are and although less than favorable this is our life right now. Boundaries have also become very important, obviously there was a lack of them before which is another reason I’ve found myself in this situation, I can’t only have boundaries when it comes to my children I must have boundaries when it comes to myself as well because I am no good to them if I am unhappy. No matter what it’s going to rain my hope is for them to never get wet, a mantra all parents should live by . My saving grace is my small children will not always be small and they will grow up, they will grow up to see who showed up for them and who did not. They will grow to realize what parent played what role and that brings me peace, it doesn’t make what I’m dealing with in this moment easier but it definitely makes it more manageable.

Hang in there Mama.

Claiming a season of fulfillment—a full plate doesn’t mean you’re being fed

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First off can we get into this damn title…

I read it out loud and felt proud just coming up with it. Happy fall or should I say winter with the way the weathers been. I think we can all agree our lives are entering a shift not only physically but most importantly emotionally. Holidays are here, Thanksgiving is right around the corner, everyone is ready to eat, spend time with family and loved ones. Christmas and the New Year are just a month away. I’ve been getting excited about Thanksgiving, getting excited to eat, and the question came to mind, “is it possible to be full but yet still be empty”? physically—- of course, but is that enough ?

so I took this as an opportunity and figured, Perfect time for a challenge.

I thought to myself, “its time to clear my plate” — make room for what matters. I’m challenging everyone to do the same. the other day I considered where I see myself currently vs where I want to see myself and what I would need to do to get there . I was overwhelmed just thinking about it. mhmmm — “look how far off you are bitch” Its time to buckle down . It’s time to decide who is coming and who is not, time to decide the path you’re going to take… will it be long and hard one full of unexpected bumps and detours? or are you taking the new route, the less traveled way? , or maybe you like the short cuts that always seem to run into traffic… do you think once you get there you’ll be happy ? It’s funny because I’m only 30 and I see so many of my peers still outside. Ya’ll aint tired ? Has the goal of simplicity gone out the window while you were on the detour?

If we are being honest hell yes, well for me anyways .

suddenly my plates become so full and most of the shit on it I don’t even eat. I’m full, only because I nibbled and eventually lost my appetite, but I’m hungry again… Thanksgiving is almost here, and no I can’t make anyone else a plate… I’ve got to focus on mine.

We waste so much time nibbling , years even … being spoon fed by people knowing they will never give us the whole thing. Its a new season, time to eat… that “I’ll save you a piece” shit just ain’t cutting it . We are demanding seats at the table, and showing up because we decided it was time. Of course some of us like being spoon fed, its guaranteed, we know it will always be there. thoughts of , what if I empty my plate and go hungry pop up? see thats how we treat change, with caution, we are nervous, we cling to thoughts of security that are never really secure and trick ourselves into crumbs.—- and that my friend is how we stay stuck

Have you ever heard the saying, “Do it, do it broke , do it scared”? part of me wanted to throw that in there but i’d never encourage anyone to do anything broke because if things go south my ass cannot help you but in all seriousness—

take the chance, fill yourself, make sure the company around you is filling you and throw away whatever is not.

because When its all said and done … Are you really let yourself go hungry?